>> How Not To Suck At Life <<

In Stamford, CT, a year ago, a pet chimpanzee went bonkers. This is a 200 pound chimp (that’s more than I weigh) that freaked out and attacked a lady, literally ripping her to pieces. The first police officer on the scene arrived to see this mangled lady and this crazy, freaking out chimp parading around like hot stuff. The chimp, so pissed off for whatever reason, attacks the police officer, swipes off his cruiser’s side view mirror with one swift slap (pictured above), and then proceeds to rip open the driver side door - right after ripping the mangled lady out of her car and chewing her up. The cop, obviously in danger from this violent monkey, starts to pump slugs into this thing. Four bullets later, the chimp finally is hurt enough to back away and retreats to his cage (who let him out in the first place?) where he lies down and dies.

Sounds pretty traumatic. The cop then filed a claim to get his mental health problem checked out because he suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, the city denied his claim because his life was endangered by an animal, not a human. Apparently there’s this little law thing where the attacker has to be a human for your care to be covered. So, this man who arrived on the scene of what looks like the beginning of a horror movie and fought for his life and killed a violent animal that’s bigger than most humans that was trying to chew his ass to pieces, gets denied because it was a chimp. But please, take solace - all the lawmakers and men and women involved all make sure to say that they understand his pain, realize this situation is a unique one and know tthat his is a stupid loophole that needs to be fixed and are working to fix it. But, in the meantime, your PTSD isn’t covered because it wasn’t caused by a potentially lethal attack by a human, just an animal!

Give me a break, guys! This is what it means to be fucked by the system. Instead of taking action when they realize this is a unique situation and helping an emotionally damaged police officer, you go by the law line by line and toss out any possible chance of helping him out. So, CT and all of the lawmakers involved, thanks for sucking at life and telling a police officer who served and protected your communities: THX FOR UR SERVICE, MR FIVE-O, now FUCK OFF you’re costing me money!

Click here to see the full article on this unbelievable act of inhumanity.

Pretty sure everyone has come behind a moving roadblock such as the one pictured above. You know, when someone just has to be in the left lane, driving side by side with some slow idiot in the right lane and carry on a conversation as they drive. I bet they roll the windows down and start chatting about the weather and now nice it is that the sun is shining and how they’d rather be at the beach sippin’ ice cold beers and looking at the eye candy. Unless, of course, one of them is a woman, though I’m sure they like lookin’ too.

Times like this I wish I had a rocket launcher mounted to the front of my car so I could wipe out one of these idiots so they could stop leaking suck all over the road because I am scared it might be contagious judging by the amounts of suck-at-life road encounters I have had. They strategically coordinate their suck so that you get stuck behind them doin’ like ten below the speed limit. It’s no wonder we have road rage!! Argh!! A

Don’t Suck at Life! Here’s what you do:

If you are driving and decide that you really need to be in the left lane, for the sake of everyone’s sanity, just stay in the right lane unless you know for sure you are going to pass the suckfest in front of you! If you find yourself tethered to the car in the right lane and there’s a line of people who don’t suck forming behind you, speed up and get in the right lane or slow down and get in the right lane. Just remember, if you suck at life, make sure it doesn’t affect other people!

So, I was recently chillin out, maxin relaxin all cool at a local Starbuckaroo Coffee Shop. There was a mother with her two young children and all her mother’s friends sitting at a ghetto-rigged giant table. Her son, only about 3 or 4, decides that he feels sick to his stomach. So, the mother brings him over to the garbage can so he can puke in it, but he decides, nah, he doesn’t have to just yet. He decides to puke on the floor right next to the garbage can. The mother then takes him into the bathroom (which is about 10 feet away - why didn’t she do this before?) and… leaves him there, puking, by himself and just returns to chat with her friends.

Amazing.  She does not even offer to help cleanup her child’s mess, but just leaves it for an employee to mop up.

In this short time span, the mother has displayed so much suck ass behavior, I may have to go to the bathroom and hurl myself. Leave your 3 year old in the bathroom by himself when he’s puking? C’mon! It’s your kid! He’s probably feeling incredibly uncomfortable, insecure, and vulnerable and it would probably be a huge help to his esteem and recovery to have his loving and caring mother by his side!

Don’t Suck at Life! Here’s what you do:

Take your kid to the bathroom if he feels like he has to puke. Don’t leave a 3 year old child in a public bathroom by himself to heave ho! Take responsibility for your kid! Clean up after him. Or, at least assist in the clean up process.

So this retarded “mother” was spotted in Connecticut, walking her infant child in a stroller… on the side of a four lane highway. While talking on her cellphone. I had to take a picture of this abominable woman because I was in shock at how much suck was taking place at this moment in time. It was a Kodak moment. She’s also fat and can’t dress herself in a presentable manner. Probably because she is overly fat.

Not only have numerous persons been hit on this highway (even before it fattened into four lanes) while walking along the ever so safe shoulder, the pollution of the passing cars, buses and trucks must be doing that baby a huge favor when it comes to breathing oxygen. Oh, and the “mother” is pleasantly distracting herself, ordering a box of hot wings to go at 9 a.m. I got to give her credit though, she is trying to walk it off

Don’t suck at life! Here’s what you do:

Take your dumb ass to the park! You know, those nice, expansive plots of lush grass lawns, pretty trees, gay flowers and pathways laid for the sole purpose of walking upon. Not only will you have a prettier landscape to trod through, you will save yourself and your baby from having to sit smack dab in the midst of vehicular excrement. You will also greatly reduce your risk of being slapped by a car’s bumper.

Extra Credit: What can the town do?

Oh man, you had to bring the town into it, didn’t you? Yes, of course. This picture does not tell the whole store. You cannot see what is behind the camera man. There is a starbucks, two delis, a chinese take out place, a horrible tattoo shop that gives people nasty infections, McDonalds, a bakery and a pizza place across the street. Of course, if you look at the photo and use your mind magic to stare down the road maybe 100 more feet, you will come to a bunch of gas stations, an ice cream shop and a Dunkin Donuts, and then an entire shopping plaza full of fun stuff to throw your money away at. Oh, and a bridge that hits the center of town, full of more places to dump your money into. And some people live there too.

Point? Where are the sidewalks? The town should build sidewalks that expand farther than just going around the ancient 1712 section of town also known as the green. In this scenario, there is so much suck going on with the mother, but the town needs to be held accountable for how much it fails at life also. With adequate sidewalks and public transportation around your town, people could use these sidewalks and public transit to get around without having to dish out an arm, leg, and kidney to pay for a car and insurance! And, people could walk and ride their bikes safely without running the risk of getting run over by a 89 year old man who should have died a long time ago! Everyone wins! Too bad everyone sucks at life and fails at doing anything that makes sense.

Cheers.

So this hombre de douche parked next to me at a local shop of donuts. I was simply minding my business, sitting in my car, waiting for my friends so I could go out drinking. Sitting in my turned completely off car.

Now, I really hope he needs that giant truck of his for work, otherwise it is pretty clear that he is overly compensating for his incredibly tiny penis. He also seems to think that he is important enough to grab up two parking spaces with this giant truck. As you can see, he neatly makes sure that he has one complete parking spot reserved for each set of his monstrous tires which are definitely needed to grib the rough terrains of the paved road.

This redneck also happens to think that a truck of this size produces such great pollution that we just can’t get enough of it. What you can’t see in the picture above is that he left this gargantuan truck idling while he ran inside to do his busines: taking a greasy dump and buying a donut to pig on. You got to fill the void in your stomach ASAP, right?

Here are some nuggets of information that should help you avoid making the same mistakes this redneck douche made:

>> Learn how to drive your car so that you can properly park it. Wouldn’t it be nice to pull into a parking lot and see a spot open for you to take? Yes, it would. Don’t rob other people of that great feeling.

>> Idling your car for more than ten seconds consumes just as much gasoline as restarting your engine. Sitting in a line at the drive-thru? Park your damned car and walk inside and stop being lazy as hell! Leaving your car to go inside anywhere? Turn the damned thing off and save some gas and save some clean air. Do it for me, I have asthma.

>> Save the environment! We all need to be more eco-conscious, so if you’re at a Dunkin’ Donuts hangin’ with some buddies and you’re by your car, turn the thing off! Every ten minutes of your car idling will dump an entire pound of carbon dioxide into the environment.

>> Check the effects: every year 130,000 tons of carbon dioxide is released in NYC alone from idling cars and trucks. We would need 23 more central parks (or 20,000 acres) of new trees to help clean the air of all this pollution, cause by people (like the jackass above) thinking its okay to leave his damned truck idling while he runs in to get scrumpy buns to munch on.

>> Realize that idling your car to heat it up is not necessary with today’s cars! You are better off easing into your drive and not over revving the engine to heat your puppy up! Besides, sitting inside an idling car lets you inhale tons of pollution that leaks into the car’s cabin. Even if you don’t have asthma or chronic bronchitis, this really sucks for your health.

Don’t suck at life! Here’s what you do:

Don’t be lazy. If you are going to run into a Dunkin’ Donuts or a Starbucks, or maybe Mickey D’s, turn your car off and walk inside. Drive-thrus are for the extremely lazy and idling in line at a drive-thru is incredibly detrimental to the health of the environment and the health of your neighbors.

That picture is a picture of a new tattoo I recently received. Time for an anecdote, children!

When I turned eighteen, my college roommate and I decided to get tattoos, a kind of gift from us to us, silently screaming back at society and our parents. We are considered mature enough to make our own decisions now! Lotto tickets! Cigarettes! Porn! Tattoos! After my first tattoo, a simple inscription of 3 viking runes, I was so caught on the idea that I went back a week later to get a second tattoo. However, the poor quality of the experience I received from this second tattoo turned me off of the idea. That was five years ago. There is a place in town of supposedly very good tattoo artists, and a few of my friends were looking into getting tattoos, so I thought I would too. This tattoo shop had gotten rave reviews from everyone I talked to.

So I got that tattoo above and the experience was five times better than I had expected. The guys helped me with the design, the sizing, the placement, everything. They did more than I imagined they would have and they were so relaxed and laid back about it that I felt completely at ease at the moment that needle started slicing up my skin. Yippee!

Last time I got a tattoo, five years ago, I paid with a debit card. The slip did not include a space for a tip like restaurant credit slips do. However, when this tattoo artist rang me up for the work, the slip had a line that said “TIP” but I completely spaced. I wasn’t sure if that was wrong or not, and I wasn’t very familiar with the tattoo scene. Do I tip a tattoo artist, even though he charges $100/hour? What’s the verdict here? Unfortunately, I completely spaced and, because of my awkward social anxiety, I just wanted to walk out and be back in my own bubble as fast as possible. So I did. I met up with a friend of mine who was, to be honest, more eager to see my new tattoo than me. I figured I’d bluntly ask him if you tipped tattoo artists.

He stared at me like I was a jackass. Nothing unusual. You see, I have spent the last decade being a social outcast, and the decade before that living in a different country, so I am still rather new at actually being outside of my room not playing Counter-Strike competitively. “Yes, you idiot,” my friend told me. I felt like an asshole.

I should’ve realized that you do in fact tip tattoo artists when I saw the TIP line on the credit card slip, but I didn’t. I felt like a jerk. This artist had helped me a lot with my design, drawn it up by hand, answered my questions, and helped me get the tattoo idea realized into something I ended up being very happy about. I should have realized.

Sucking at life is not something I do voluntarily. I had to fix this. However, the thought of walking back into the tattoo shop with cash in hand to give a tip made me incredibly uncomfortable. Embarrassing, isn’t it? But, I put myself in the artist’s shoes. Would I rather not get a tip at all than have my customer come back and offer this monetary thanks? I want the cash money, baby!

So my friend and I walked to the ATM, I took out some dollar bills and headed back towards the tattoo shop. My friend, naturally, waited outside. I knew that was coming.

I walked in, cash in my pocket. I wasn’t about to walk in carrying it. That seemed rather tool-ish, and being a tool is sucking at life.

My artist was on the phone, which made me feel a little more at ease. This way he couldn’t really respond to me, just listen to what I had to say and I could flee without feeling even dumber. I walked up to him, explained with complete honesty that I had spaced when it came to declaring a tip and then I slid him the dollars and thanked him once again for his work, and promptly left.

I felt a lot better. I did the right thing, and even though it was rather embarrassing, I walked out of that shop the second time that day feeling much better about myself because I did do the right thing. I know that the artist appreciated what I did and I also do know if I ever walk back into that shop, even a year from now, I will be remembered. And in a good way. If I had not come back, I would also have been remembered, but alas, it would be a negative image.

“Oh, there’s that guy. He doesn’t tip.”

But I fixed it, no matter how embarrassing it was and I did it because it was the right thing to do. I was faced with a choice: to suck or not to suck at life. I chose not to suck at life.

While perusing CNN, I came across something quite appalling: Fox Broadcasting Company was not going to air President Obama’s prime time press conference about his first 100 days in office. Instead, they would air their usual show, “Lie to Me.” Now, I am not going to lie to you, but that show is a great show with a lot of interesting tidbits about people and how they behave and such, especially while making untrue statements! I sometimes wonder how much more they can write about, but apparently there’s no end in sight to their material. Anyway, Fox Broadcasting Company will air this show as scheduled instead of airing Obama’s prime time press conference.

The show “Lie to Me” hooks in 13 million viewers every week. Last time President Obama hopped on television to talk about what was up and down with the US of A, only a mere 4.2 million people tuned in to Fox. However, some 40 million people did catch this event on one of the channels that it was aired on.

Don’t suck at life! Here’s what you do:

When a President speaks about important matters regarding your country, tune in! We are all in this together, and it is your duty to be educated and engaged in the current events of our country!

This incriminating evidence was taken at a Target PizzaHut snack bar. You’ll have to forgive the mere 3 megapixel camera this shot was taken with, but you can, no doubt, still witness the effects of laziness. Especially in large groups, as it appears our swine-friends were part of. Or, perhaps small children with their suck ass, lazy, no pride, parents.

Why do I say no pride? Well, would you leave behind a scrumptious swine-trail if you took pride in where you lived and spent your time? I don’t think so. You wouldn’t leave this in your living room. (At least I hope not, that’s a whole other level of sucking at life).

Why do I say lazy? Well, this is a Target snack bar, which is about the size of a common bedroom with garbage bins strategically located by either exit. Would it be too much to ask to pick up all the debris you left behind and drop it off in the bin? I mean… it’s on your way.

And, if this herd was indeed comprised of parents with small children, I would love to slap those parents on the wrist. Can you really be so disengaged in your childrens’ actions that you will let them dribble popcorn and food all over your place of casual dining and not even say a word? This is the worst scenario because if the parents say nothing, the children grow up thinking acting like a suck-at-life slob will be perfectly okay, and then you have almost permanently tainted the gene pool. Let’s hope for a Darwin award nomination, shall we?

And don’t think for a second that the employees of this snack bar are responsible for cleaning up your mess. They are not your parents (the only case where it is quasi-acceptable) and they have a lot of work to do that does not involve picking up after your poor excuse for a human being leaves the dining hall in shambles.

Don’t suck at life! Here’s what you do:

Gather all of your trash and all of the food you spilled and properly dispose of it in the garbage bins found by the exit so that the next person who comes to enjoy a casual dining experience won’t have to find another table because yours is full of crap. Also, if you had to borrow chairs from another vacant table, when you leave, it would be ideal for you to place this chair back where it belongs.

This is related to the Golden Rule, which is more commonly known as “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” Or, better yet, “treat others how you want to be treated.” Wouldn’t you want to walk into a clean snack bar?